Hiring An FAA Administrator Can Be Easy

Breaking news: To the shock of few, FAA administrator nominee, Phillip Washington, withdrew his name from consideration for an underpaid government job (about $140,000/year plus free pens), overseeing the most complicated aviation system in the Universe. Stepping in to the run the agency in an acting capacity is Billy Nolen, a pilot. Gutsy choice. Talk about “lunatics running the asylum” when pilots call the shots.

Two things about this interminable state of upper management flux: I know the FAA is not an “agency” and hasn’t been since April 1, 1967, but agency sounds cooler. Administration with an administrator evokes minimal awe outside administrative circles. I learned that in graduate school, working toward a Master of Public Administration degree, which I never achieved, because it bored me into becoming a novelist.

Perhaps Washington met the dullness factors that a good FAA administrator candidate should bring to the table, what with not being a pilot or logging much aviation experience beyond managing the Cinnabon at Denver International Airport, but the head of this powerful aviation entity (not EAA) should be cool and fun. That the temporary boss’s name is Billy is both. I’d gladly fly with a Billy or a Betty, provided they’re fun pilots. That said, Washington might not be a flyer, but he had long government service. An Army veteran, he retired as a command sergeant major, an enlisted rank so intimidating it turns 2^nd lieutenants into quivering Jell-O, despite technically outranking him.

Admittedly, the person running the FAA has way more important duties than thinking about flight. I concede that this is not a flying job, but it should be with candidates screened accordingly. I suggest skipping the whole nomination and confirmation mugwump with all those posers in Washington, D.C., although you’d think a guy named Washington would’ve been a cinch for approval. In my fantasy world, where everything impossible is possible, any pilot could apply for the job, or nominate a fellow pilot, and only pilots would qualify.

Let’s say you wanted to be the next FAA-1. Click on this link. Typing in www is not disqualifying but shows an appreciation for redundancy in entrenched, outmoded ideals, an important trait in any bureaucrat. Once at the site, click the Application button, accept the cyber cookies and crackers while agreeing to all the legal stuff that no one reads or understands. Once the IACRA online application form appears, fill it in … or out, your choice. If necessary, lie about your medical and criminal past, and in the Are You Now or Have You Ever Been a Pilot box, select Yes. Student pilots are eligible, post-solo. You’ll be asked to create a cool sounding username and password, which you should write in that notebook in your flight bag where you keep all your other usernames and passwords. Anything with Top Gun in it—unless you really were a Top Gun (movie or real)—triggers automatic disqualification. Application completed, you’re in. Nomination accepted. Expect a text message informing you where to appear for an interview and practical exam. Don’t bother studying up on regs and such. That’s not what this selection process is about, and no one likes a know-it-all.

Prior to the beauty pageant, you’ll write an essay obfuscating why you should get the job. Make it overly long with heavy reliance on aero abbreviations such as SATNAV, TRACON, or FUBAR, and—most important—do not address the actual question. Just like in college. Knowing how to duck issues is vital in any administrative position but supremely so when defending FAA policy failures before televised Congressional overbite committee hearings. And be sure to repeat the key phrases, “As we go forward,” and “Safety is our number one priority.” Both are meaningless but impart immense solemnity.

Your essay and application will be processed, without being read, by the Application Processing Subcommittee, then filed as ammunition to be used against you in future dismissal hearings, when something goes wrong in the NAS, and a fall person is needed for political keelhauling.

That’s the paperwork, now the practical test, a working interview by thousands of your peers via a spot landing contest. Can you fly the things you’ll be charged with regulating? Applicants will be judged at Wittman Regional Airport, Oshkosh, WI (KOSH) and Antique Airfield, Blakesburg, IA (IA27) during their respective EAA and AAA (Antique Airplane Association) fly-ins. Judges are merciless and occasionally drunk. The winner will not necessarily be the pilot who can “aim for the orange dot and land on the green” or not bounce across the swale in Antique Airfield’s Runway 18.

Dorking up a landing is not disqualifying. In fact, it could put you into the semifinals, because all pilots know that it’s not the good landings that display an aviator’s mettle; no one sees those. Instead, it’s how a good pilot handles the inevitable barbs from all those who witness your one bad landing. Grace under failure in this selection process factors heavily in determining who will become the next sacrificial FAA Administrator.

Assuming many readers will now apply for the Administrator position, please include in the comments section what your Number-1 priority will be on Day-1 as FAA-1. Be bold and creative … a sure sign you’ll never get the gig.